| Remember John C.? Early last week, he told me that he doesn't have time to date, and I deserve someone better, and right now we'd be better off as friends. I agreed because he was seemingly so incredibly busy, I didn't blame him. But 2 days ago, Mandi and I were at Walgreens and I happened to go on facebook via my phone. I see John C. liked someone's status, and for some reason I clicked on his name. I did a double take. Then my mouth hung open, then I asked Mandi to look at it to make sure I was seeing it right. John C. is dating someone. I click on her profile because I'm in disbelief, and her's is set on public. Her friend asked about John C. and she said, 'he's 23...he's amazing....and he has a sweet car.' Clearly, she's young and still cares what kind of car she's going to be seen in, rather than describe how 'amazing' he apparently is. I was upset. I'd rather be told that he's just not that into me and likes someone else. I can respect that more. I mean, I'm not one to talk, because I cheated. But I didn't post it on facebook ever! Relationship status: In a Relationship with Devin Reese but Cheating with John the Meathead. As funny as that would be....But I digress. If you're going to date someone else and post it on facebook for all to see, delete me from your friends so I don't see it. You want to spare my feelings? Delete me. Or better yet, don't waste my time in the first place. That one hurt. I mean, they all did, but I really really liked this guy. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. But he said I deserve someone better, and I'd have to agree. I don't want to be with someone like that. But, I'm tired of dating. I wanted to see what else was out there, and I have. Now I want to settle down, but I don't want to just settle for someone. I got to thinking, no more dates. When I was in high school, I looked nerdy, and was shy, quiet and reserved. I never expressed it, but all I wanted was for someone to give me a chance. One chance, and he wouldn't regret it because I could make him happier than anyone else ever could. But nobody ever did. And I carried that with me now that I feel like I went through The Ugly Duckling syndrome. I grew into this beautiful swan persay, and now that I'm on the other end, I vowed to be available to anyone and give them all a chance. But I gave too many wrong people too many chances. I deserve to be picky. I don't want to give anymore chances until they can prove they're worth fighting for. I won't be available anymore, I will play 'hard to get.' And I won't feel bad about it. I just can't handle anymore heartache and pain. Um, yet, I'm still kinda sleeping with John the Meathead. I shouldn't, I know. I'm emotionally distant, shut down from him. It's nice, really. Wham, bam, thank you sir, cuddle for a little for some human connection, and I'm gone. It's a beautiful thing. I know one day I'll get tired/bored of it, but for now it's all I want. I can't go back to celibacy. Sleeping with him keeps my number of partners where it is and keeps me from going crazy from lack of sex. Except we've been trying for the past 2 weeks to meet up and we just can't! He works, I work, or someone is always home. My house is almost never empty, and his mom works a weird split shift that interferes with our work schedules, and then she's ALWAYS up so we can't do it late at night. Later today, xmas eve, there's an hour where nobody is going to be home because they're all working. But, I may get called into work, or he may have family obligations. If not, it'll be sometime next week. Grrr. And taking care of yourself just isn't the same. I'm not exactly numb like I was before. I can't go back to that. But I'm in this weird place where I'm extremely guarded, but willing to open up if they prove something to me. I don't know what it is exactly that they'll have to prove, but I'm sure I'll know when I see it. I will not search for him anymore. I can't. I told Jonny yesterday that Devin had slapped me and I think the vein in his head nearly popped. He said if he knew that, he'd have laid Devin out when he saw him, which I knew he'd do so that's partly why I didn't tell him sooner. That, and I haven't told anyone because I didn't want to talk about it. I also made myself available because when you first meet someone, I loved the rush I got. The thrill of the chase was what I craved because they found me attractive. But then I'd get them, and leave em because it wasn't what I wanted. They didn't prove whatever it is that I need proven. I got my gratification. I know patience pays off, it's just hard when Love is the one thing I've always wanted. I know that it isn't the thing that'll make me happy forever, but it'll sure help. I'm not meant to be with anyone yet. Sad, but it's about time I accepted it. It's not such a bad thing I guess. This coming trimester, I'll be taking 7 classes. I'll go to Lombard Monday-Thursday, 6-10pm. Then I have to take that math class at JJC, probably earlyyyy morning so that I can fit more work in. I have to get another job, or one really good paying one that's fulltime. This past trimester was pathetic. I opened my books the first week or so, that's it. I should've more for my massage class, but oh well. In medical terminology I got an A, Palpation I got a B, and Massage I got a C. I didn't do so hot on the tests, but my teacher kept boasting about how great I am at massaging. She said I had the touch for it. I knew that already, but it's nice to hear from an expert lol. And for my Sunday classes, it's pass/fail. I don't think I passed, but that's because of my attendance. They posted the classrooms at the side door the day of the class. I didn't know that til the 4th class out of 6. My fault. But, I Really REALLY slacked this trimester so I need to pick up my shit. I get lazy and lose motivation. I'll excuse myself this time simply because I had absolutely NOOO motivation going in because of the unemployment and whatnot. Also, I don't adjust well to new environments. It takes some time for me to catch on. It was always tough going from catholic to public schools, 5th grade into middle school, middle school into high school, high school into NIU, NIU into JJC, and now JJC into NUHS. And the program I'm in isn't federally funded. So I can't get any federal loans, no work study, etc. And if I were to get a private loan, I'd have to have a cosigner. My mother is the only one that could do it, but she won't. And I don't really want her to because she'll just throw it back in my face for the rest of my life. Honestly, she will. And I opened up my one credit card to pay for school. I had no money because I was on unemployment, so I charged everything. I couldn't believe how easily I racked up $3000. So, tonight I opened up another credit card. I have $3800 to pay for school and I don't really have too many options. It'll be easier next trimester because I'll be doing my bachelors, which is federally funded. And my dad signed the papers. Late January/early February he'll move to Texas. My mom will join him in May/June, whenever my sister graduates. We have somebody already very interested in the house. They want to do renovations, so we have the perfect house for that lol. Plus we have a 1/4 acre yard that they'd kill to have. No bid yet, but the guy was making a list of the things he wants to do to the house. Sounds promising. And Mandi really wants me to go to Vegas in February. I could swing it. It's possible, but not probable. Honestly, I could put that couple hundred towards furniture, or food, or rent, or clothing, etc. She'll be upset, but I just can't do it now. And it's not like she's never going to Vegas again. I'll just have to go at a later date. Life is interesting. Twists and turns. I'm glad to be moving out though. My time was coming. I want to be able to bring a guy over whenever without worrying my parents are gonna bitch that my door isn't open. Yea,that was a long post. More for you to enjoy reading, right? I'll stop though. One last thought, I'm starving. I want some Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni. Yummmmmmm. |
